Usually at the end of the month, I send a “round-up” newsletter to subscribers who only want to hear from me once a month.
But this month?
I’ve got nothing to send (except for the monthly Create Together Session which happens every month).
No blog posts. No podcasts. No upcoming workshops.
Because I finally…finally…began to explore an uncomfortable pattern in my life. When life gets hard, I FILL every nook and cranny of every single moment, until I drop. And I can’t do it anymore.
This fall, I dropped.
Why do I do this? Because if I’m busy, there’s NO time to sit in the hard stuff and feel all the feels, which is what needs to happen to truly begin to work through it and let it go.
Earlier this month, I found myself tearfully spewing anger and rage and grief onto the pages of my journal as I looked back over 2020. My throat was so tight I could barely breathe, but what’s interesting is that throughout this year, I didn’t feel any of it.
I didn’t allow myself to feel it. It was too big.
Instead, I worked. And I had plenty of work to do between writing, my podcast, client work (both creativity/writing & website/VA work), creating and teaching workshops, and starting another business with my daughter.
My motto seems to be when the going gets rough, get BUSY.
I’ve done this before. When my husband was critically ill for months in 2015-2016, I was bound and determined to keep every ball in the air. And I did.
I kept teaching and commuted to Reno where I stayed at the hospital. When I was home, I desperately tried to keep up with the house and work. I knew that I was struggling with massive overwhelm when I realized that I had a huge credit on several utility bills because I’d paid them three times without any memory of having paid them already!
Busy-ness is my survival tactic, but it’s neither healthy or even very effective at life (see the previous paragraph). It’s like the antithesis of what I teach in my journaling and play workshops, which are two of the best ways I know to slow down, access my soul, and heal.
About two months ago, my busy-ness began to catch up with me. I started to slow down a bit. Then, a bit more. Until my feelings and frustrations were able to catch up with me. It’s not fun, but it feels good to crack open, to become aware of this pattern.
I’ve journaled a LOT. Cried a bit. Taken walks. And finally feel like myself.
For the first time in a long while, I had an idea for a novel, nothing big, just an invitation. But that’s also confirmation that slowing down and allowing our hearts to feel, giving ourselves the space to really listen to ourselves and our souls is really key to living a creative life.
So, this month, my “round-up” is empty, and honestly, it’s exactly what I needed, and I think it’s what we all need.
Space to feel, to heal, to allow for the lessons of this year to really introduce themselves.
Have you found yourself running/hiding/whatevering to help you get through this year?
If so, I invite you to stop for a moment, or a month or two, and offer yourself the grace to sit in it for however long you need, to feel into and through it, and get the lessons and the learning from it.