The silence is NOT so golden (and a few other things I’m learning)

This quarantine has filled life with a level of solitude that has felt at times terrifying and lonely and also at times felt welcome and peaceful.

Mostly, I’ve been surprised to discover that, despite the peace, I’m fighting it tooth and nail. 

Silence and solitude allow for introspection, time to connect with myself, and while I do that often (or so I thought), I’ve discovered that when I do start to go deep, I grab at my phone and look something up, or play a game, or check my email, or consume some content whether it’s a podcast, blog post, video, or audiobook.

I jam my foot down on the brakes hard because introspection could lead to change and apparently I LIKE my little comfort zone. It’s…comfortable. 

Have you felt like this at all? 

Been feeling ALL the feels over here.

I’ve been on the verge of tears for two days, since I’ve had this realization of how hard I push back when it comes to really diving in and exploring the ideas and thoughts that are coming to me. 

Here’s what I’ve learned about myself in this solitude and silence, while I can create (and do create), I’m incredibly tied into making sure whatever I’m doing is “right” (whatever that even means). 

This has come up big during the first week of Creativity Circle I’m facilitating on The Artist’s Way. And it’s scary to even share it here…but there it is.

Somehow I’ve tied what I create to my own self-worth which totally inhibits my own risk-taking, the willingness to really go deep, my own creativity, my own LIFE. 

I’m afraid that if I truly get in touch with my heart, listen, and follow it’s directives, and I FAIL by society’s standards, that means that I am a failure, not my project or book or course or whatever I create and offer. Nope, the entirety of ME is a failure, which is both ridiculous and also a deep belief I think I’ve had for a really long time.

Listening to the truth of our hearts can be scary because…then what?!? 

I have no idea, but I’m trusting that it will be an amazingly wonderful ride. I’m SURE it will be better than the “noise” I’ve chosen to fill my life with lately. 

I know that I’m just touching the surface of this but I’m ready to see where it will take me. Even writing this, I keep getting physical sensations in my heart and gut, my own little truth-o-meters.

Apparently, the quarantine classroom is OPEN at my house, and the teacher has shown up on the pages of my journal. We are working through The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. This program is definitely a commitment, but we’re all discovering that the commitment is well worth it in terms of connecting with our creativity and joy. And, it’s fun to do it in a supportive space with a bit of accountability.

I’m curious, has the solitude (or lack thereof if you’ve got littles at home) brought any gifts or insight to you? Leave your thoughts in the comments.